Three Seasons in 30 Minutes
by fluffy2001
Summary: Season four! A strange idea cowritten with JennifferButterfly. Inspired by 'Star Wars Trilogy in 30 Minutes'. The idea is to condense each season into a fast paced, snarky and overall whacked out chapter. Parody is love, except for season four.
1. Season 1

**Three Seasons of House in 30 minutes**

**a/n: Co-written with JennifferButterfly. **

**This is a strange idea ****inspired****by ****The Star Wars Trilogy in 30 minutes****', which is an actual stage show done by a comedy troupe out of Los Angeles.**

**The idea is to cram three seasons of House into three ultra condensed but very snarky chapters. This may be a little hard to follow along. If the person speaking is not noted, it's usually House. This moves fast, so hold on.**

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Season 1:

_Enter Dr. House and Dr. Wilson__ pedeconferencing on the way to diagnostics_.

"Oh, hi best buddy named Wilson who is Head of Oncology and is Jewish and has a homeless missing brother. I'm so glad that I can come to you for everything that is bothering me even though I prefer to be miserable anyhow. It never has been revealed how we met or why we became best friends, but all I know is that the producers love throwing in slash subtext between us two. Care to listen to me rant about the evil administrator Dr. Cuddy?"

"Hello Dr. House, Director of Diagnostics with a specialty in nephrology and infectious diseases, who is a miscreant people-hating doctor that has a bad limp because you had an infarction in your right thigh which gives you the right to pop vicodin like tic-tacs for the constant pain you are in. Are you talking about Lisa Cuddy, our Dean of Medicine whose specialty we don't know, who dresses in revealing outfits to show us she is powerful yet can still be a slut, and likes to be mean to you all the time because you don't play by the rules and it makes for great sexual tension? To answer your question; no, but I'll have to listen anyway, won't I?"

"Indeed. Cuddy likes to show off her power to me and tends to be domineering. I think there is potential between us even if she won't let me touch her. And yes, she does like tops that are barely made up of enough material to qualify as such. She also bothers me for not following rules, but rules are boring. I need to solve puzzles with my unique and brilliant mind and torture anyone who comes in contact to me for fun."

"Not to mention your bad leg is a great excuse to be miserable and mean to everyone without compromise while we constantly fight over whether your pain is physical or psychological. I vote psychological."

"Oh what do you know? You're an oncologist. Great summary though. That saves us a lot of time so let's meet the minions."

_Enter the glass walled diagnostics conference room where the staff of three young doctors anxiously await__for their meager chance to briefly elaborate on their sparse character development. _

"Okay, we don't have a lot of time here. Since we don't really know much about you three and won't for a while, all that will be needed is a few short sentences from each of you telling us who you are and then your character development is done."

"Hi, I'm Dr. Cameron and I'm an immunologist. I'm damaged. I can go from sweetheart to bitch faster than you can blink your eyes. I'm moral and set high standards for people that I can't possible hold for myself. But most important, I love House. I have dreams of curing him and then we can cuddle as he tells me how brilliant I am and how the others are fools."

"Hence why that is only a dream because it's never going to happen you freak. Next!"

"I'm Dr. Foreman and I'm a neurologist. I'm the token black guy that proves that there are black doctors that can claw their way out of the ghetto with hard work and a crap load of arrogance. I'm smarter and better than all these honkies. Also, I hate House, but I'm more like him than anybody."

"You and I even wear the same shoes. Face it, you worship the ground I walk on. Next!"

"I'm Dr. Chase and I'm an Intensivist from a country called Australia. I'm the token eye candy. I'm pretty and I speak in this slick foreign accent that drives all the females and several of the males wild. I'm morally ambiguous, a brown noser and Dr. House calls me stupid even though it's quite the contrary since I've solved more cases than these other two baboons combined. None of that matters though because all I want is House's approval since he's my surrogate father. I'll never get it, just like with my real dad."

"And next you'll want me to grow boobs, get them lactating, and breastfeed you like your dead mother, right? Sorry, ain't happening.For the record, I hired Cameron because she is pretty, Foreman because he stole a car, and Chase, well I made up something about his dad, but we really don't know the real reason.

Okay, enough time has been spent with background, let's get on with the strange patients and my zany behavior. The school teacher has tapeworm, Dan's parents aren't really his so he's missing some essential immunities he should have gotten as a baby and Brandon is taking the wrong pills."

"You forgot to say everybody lies." _Dr. Chase __goes __into his full suck up mode._

"I don't have time to go through the 21 other cases. Let's do a differential on all our season 1 patients. Get them all done in one fell swoop."

"It's Lupus." _Foreman replies._

"That's season 2 you moron."

"It's a tumor," _says Chase_.

"Multiple Sclerosis," _jump__s __in Cameron._

"Vasculitis"

"Anaphylaxis"

"Wilson's disease"

"Wait, I need to stop so I can stare at House longingly and show him how much I love him." _Dr. Cameron says with starstruck eyes._

"Kill me. Ignore her and keep going."

"Hypothryroidism"

"Anthrax"

"Lyme Disease"

"Guillain-Barre"

_House holds up his hand._ "Okay enough for now. Treat them for all those and run a CBC, MRI, CAT scan, LP, and echocardiogram on each one just for grins. After that, tell me what happens so I can do something else really careless but will ultimately save their lives."

_Dr. Cameron frowns, put off by her boss' uncaring behavior yet wanting to jump his bones anyway._ "What about your clinic duty?"

"Useless filler. No time for that plus Cuddy needs a reason to bother me."

_Cameron turns away from House_. "Oh Chase, I need to tease you with inappropriate talk about sex now. This is apparently important later."

"Sorry. I was distracted by all the fanfics that have popped up saying how depressed I am. How do they think that when the series has barely begun?" _Chases shakes his head in wonder._

"What do the stories say about me?" _Foreman asks._

"You aren't in any." _Chase clarifies._

"Excuse me, sex talk?" _Cameron gets impatient and irritated since she isn't the center of attention, thus setting her typical behavior pattern for the rest of the series._

_Foreman sighs while Chase breaks into sarcastic glee. _"Great, I'll listen to you, blushing like a school girl even though I'm a highly trained doctor that knows all that stuff, because you said it which means I'm supposed to be attracted to you. How about Foreman listen in and put in his opinion?"

"You leave me out of this. I want to see what Cuddy's going to do to House this time."

"House!" _Enter Dr. Cuddy._

"Why Cuddy, is it time for you to make your token appearance already?"

"Why aren't you in the clinic? Also, everyone now needs to get involved with our crisis of dying babies."

"The teddy bear lady is spreading germs. Fix it. Chase, you need to go tell the nun your touching story of how you were in the seminary and then go search the not-so-schitzo mother's house so you can inform us of your sorry childhood with an alcoholic parent."

"Got it." _Exit Dr. Chase with full knowledge that his subplots are done for a long, long while._

"Cameron, you need to act sad because you can't tell people about death, then flirt with me and give me something for my birthday."

"I thought your birthday was in June."

"No, in season 1 my birthday is in December. It doesn't change to June until the end of season 2."

_Exit Dr. Cameron who need__s __to go buy __that __ill-advised card __so the audience can be forced to go through that very uncomfortable chair-squirming moment_

"Foreman, start yelling at me and tell me what an ignorant jerk I am. That should pretty much cover your role for the rest of the season."

"Wait, aren't I supposed to have a touching story about a homeless woman?" _ Foreman is put off by how his scenery chewing time is being diminished_

"Wilson!" _Wilson comes because House apparently owns him and he obeys every command. _"You and Foreman need to go watch the homeless woman die of rabies now."

"What are you going to do besides playing with your game boy and watching General Hospital?" _Wilson __has to get in __his obligatory nagging of House or his character becomes pointless._

"I've got to cure a woman with African Sleeping sickness, save someone who was poisoned by his jeans, go to court over a DNR, and I have to win our bet by putting myself through painful detox all while everyone questions my abilities as a brilliant doctor."

_Exit Dr. Foreman and Dr. Wilson, who both recognize that their roles in the rest of this season are meaningless._

_Enter Dr. Cameron._"I'm ready for the monster truck rally."

"Great, now people can all get on the Internet and start creating their House/Cameron stories."

_Enter Dr. Chase. _"That ship has alreadysailed."

"How do you have time to read those stories?"

_Chase shrugs. _"What else do I have to do?"

_Enter Dr. Foreman in a rather urgent manner. _"Oh no! A patient is crashing!"

"Which one?"

"Any of them, take your pick. Anyway, I need Chase to jump in with his quick thinking, give the patients epinephrine, shock them, then intubate them before performing some type of vascular procedure that only he is capable of doing."

"Yeah, he needs to look pretty while playing doctor. It cements his status as wallpaper."

_Enter a sighing and annoyed Cameron. _"Is it time for the plot to get back to me yet?" _Everyone groans in unison._

_Enter older man_. "Why look, it's Rowan Chase. You're dying and I can't tell your son about it which means things get messy later. He's downstairs, go have your less than reassuring talk about the alcoholic mother and your abandonment."

_Exit Rowan without getting in a word edgewise, not even to show off that Czech accent with 30 years Aussie on top of it_ "Great, we are done with Chase until Vogler comes along."

"That's actually now." _Foreman says, wishing like the rest of us that the arc never happened._ "Now I can go get snippy with Chase now for screwing up with Carly and then ratting out to Vogler." _Exit Foreman._

_Dr. Cameron comes in close contact to House with a suggestive leer. _ "Yes, and this is where I get to flirt with you and show you how much you want me." 

"Yeah, but first I have to fire one of you."

_Enter the big bad Edward Vogler._

"Great, right on cue. Uh, I hate you, and I don't want to fire anyone but I pick Chase to confirm that he's spying on me and he's rather useless. Oh, and I'm going to ruin your new drug by panning it in a speech where everyone gets to watch with amused glee."

_Enter Dr. Chase._ "I hate fat people."

_Vogler speaks. _"Plus you're a weasel. House, you're irresponsible and don't play by the rules, plus I'm coming after you because I have power and I can abuse it, and contrived plots make for compelling drama. You can't fire Chase and Dr. Wilson will be fired for supporting you." _Vogler breaks into an evil laughter. _

_Cameron pouts._ "Oh, and I quit, because I'm shallow and you don't like me. Plus, self-sacrificing myself will make me look more attractive when it's obvious I'm doing it just to get your attention."

_Cuddy jumps in to save the day__ and faces the big bad Vogler_"I've had enough of your bullying. Apparently a miserable pain in the ass doctor who has the powers of superman because he is the only person capable of saving lives in this entire hospital is worth more than your $100 million. Okayat least that looked good on a script. In reality, I would be fired for that. And never work in medicine again. Actually, anywhere again."

_Back to House, who d__oes__n't like losing control of anything. _"Okay, that drama took way too long and wasted everyone's time. Let's see, how do we get back on track, I know, I'm supposed to teach a class right?"

"We need to go on our date first, just as soon as you beg me to come back." _Cameron __says feeling all mighty because she is getting that all-important attention that her neurotic mind craves._

_Enter Wilson. _"I'm supposed to give you cute advice now on how to go on a date and warn others about how vulnerable you are. Of course Chase knows a dominatrix that could have made that date fun, but that was a lost opportunity."

"Didn't we skip a pregnant lady with cancer and a meningitis outbreak?"

_Enter Foreman. _"The lady died leaving her son all alone with dad to raise and the twelve year old was pregnant but we fixed that. Now tell us all about the date."

"It sucked. Okay, now I can tell the three stories about leg pain that was made just for the Emmy reel."

"Stacy's back," _Wilson is delighted to dig into old wounds. _

"Yeah, that bitch. The one that knew I hate middle ground but went that way with my leg anyway. No wonder we split five years ago. Of course I can't seem to date or love anyone else since then."

_Cameron gives him a jealous glare __ov__er how he can love Stacy and not her. _ "So, now you're going to cure her husband against his will."

"Yep. His mystery illness was pretty anticlimactic after the leg pain thing huh? Crappy way to end an interesting season. Anyway, that's a wrap. Season 2 should be darker."

"Yipee." _ They all unenthusiastically __go off __to prepare for __the more jagged season two._

**a/n: If anyone is still interested after reading all that, season two will be out next week, and season three will be out a few days after the finale airs. Thanks as usual for reading and giving a very strange idea a chance. **


	2. Season 2

**a/n: Thanks again to my wonderful, awesome, forever beautiful co-writer JennifferButterfly! (Yes, Jenniffer contributes to the a/n as well : ) ) _(But keep in mind it was Fluffy that didn't remove that stuff so it's just as much her fault. :-P)_ Same rules as before. If you aren't sure who is speaking, it is very likely House. Another fact paced one, and it gets more cynical. Just remember, parody is love!**

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_Enter House and Wilson._

"Isn't it great that we can now start a season where we don't have to focus on any character introduction or development? This season nobody changes."

_Wilson gives a strange face_. "How so? You learn nothing, Cameron is emotionally unstable, Foreman is arrogant, Chase and Cuddy are wallpaper... okay good point. Still, I can't shake off the feeling that we all end up acting out of character. _Wilson sighs, as he often tends to do. _"It seems the only development comes from my marriage falling apart."

"That's been predicted since season one, and I'm not sure what type of bombshell they were trying to drop there since it's your third marriage."

"Actually, you have to do cute banter and suffer through deep yet uninteresting sexual tension with Stacy for seven episodes."

"Seven??? We had Vogler for five and that was painful enough."

_Wilson grabs the bridge of his nose, not in the mood to explain why anyone thought these were good ideas. _"Well, they aren't really interested in doing stories with the cast they already have so they have to bring in new and irritating characters. That is why Chase and Cuddy are doomed to being lovely set decorations this season. Cameron on the other hand, well she's David Shore's spoiled little princess and will be getting all the time she wants."

"Really? What's the legitimate excuse for this?"

"Apparently she's pretty."

"So is Chase but that isn't changing things. Okay, onto season 2."

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_All the characters gathered in the conference room, ready to zip through the carelessly uneven season 2. _

"Okay, first we've got to save some prisoner so he can fry on death row, blah, blah, blah."

_Foreman speaks up, beaming with pride._"I have to stick up for the guy because I need to give a brother a break."_ Everyone looks at Foreman strangely as he makes some random gang signs. _"Sorry, I'm trying to add some authenticity to my character, otherwise I'm not interesting."

"It isn't working. You're still boring."

_Chase, lowering his head in defeat_, _sighs._ "I know, I have a pretty mouth, go search the prison cell so all those pervs crave for my bum. If it weren't for grunt work, no one would think I was on this show." _Exit Chase._

_Cameron speaks up, beaming with a smug grin._ "I need to run all sorts of unnecessary tests on a patient of mine because I'm still too caring to let her die. Oh, and I've got to get ready for my busy season."

_Foreman protests to House._ "How does she get her own patients? She can't doctor her way out of a wet paper sack."

_Cameron smiles deviously. _"I'm just that important." _Exit Cameron, who is completely happy about the promising screen time for her this season. _

_House rolls his eyes over the little diva. _"Yeah, well that episode was pretty boring anyway, especially for a premiere. Let's move onto Andie."

_Enter Chase._ "I'm on it. Gotta give her that awkward and inappropriate kiss so people all over the internet can debate whether I'm sweet or a creepy pedophile." _Exit Chase to do his duty. _

"Yeah, we are all warm and fuzzy inside with her bravery. Wilson, tell me what a misanthrope I am."

"Great, we just covered my purpose for every episode for the rest of the series." _Wilson is silent for a minute before coming to a sad realization._ "Now what am I supposed to do?"

"Don't worry next season I'm sure the powers that be will think of something completely out of character for you to do. Where were we? Oh, yes, now I can buy my motorcycle leaving lots of fans to wonder how I drive it in the winter and where the Corvette went."

Enter _Cameron, tired of being ignored_. "Is it time for my plot yet?"

"Oh, trust me, your screen time explodes soon. Next you get to fall all over Sebastian Charles while I ridicule his hypocritical way of life."

_Enter Cuddy. _"What about my handyman? That's my one episode of the season."

"What about it? He loses his hand and the chicken did it. Plot wasted, but I think we can effectively say he won't be so "handy" any more." _House snickers while Wilson gives him his canon 'grow some ethics' look._

"Son!"

_House __c__ring__es __at the unexpected arrival._ "Oh gee, I completely forgot about my parent's visit. I guess that something I really needed to block out of my mind. Mom, I love you, dad, you're a jerk, and I'm a disappointment. Say a quick hello to Cameron because she is a meddling bitch and we'll move on." _Both parents nod hello and then leave._

_Enter Stacy. _"House!"

_Housed buries his head into his hands. _"Oh God, not more. Stacy, why are you here again?"

"Because, somebody thought another female was needed to make your life miserable." _Stacy tries desperately to show chemistry between her and House, but fails horribly._

"What, Cameron isn't enough?"_House sighs. _"Come on, let's breeze through all your episodes now so you can leave already."

"You're a miserable, sexist jerk, I'll never forgive you for stealing my records from the therapist, I both hate you and I love you, I kind of sort of maybe love Mark, it was okay to sleep with you while I'm married to another man, and oh, I'm pretty useless aren't I? Damn, I deserve to be dumped. I'm gone." _Exit Stacy never to be seen again. Fans can be heard cheering around the world._

"Okay great, glad we got that out of the way. Let's see, as for our patients, as long as they had sex, our medical mysteries are solved. Glad to see this season medically was such a slam dunk."

"Sex kills." _Enter Chase._

"Sure, go ahead and yet again deliver the obvious answer Mr. Kiss Ass. By the way, you're still completely stupid this season."

"Narf!" _Chase shouts before leaving to go do nothing with all the freetime he apparently has this season._

_Enter Foreman. _"No lupus?"

"Go through ever single episode we've ever had. When has it been lupus?"

_Enter Cameron__, s__till irritated by not being the center of attention. _"Wait a second, I haven't been given my time to raise my moral objections about cheaters, adulterers," _she gives a snarling glare to Wilson_, "drug users that let me steal their dope, gambling OTB patients with Munchausen's, bosses that drop acid, dads that have sex with their daughters, married couples that have threesomes while lying about their happiness, teenagers that have sex and lie to their parents, people that lie to their partners to get a organ donated to them, fellow doctors that steal your research paper," _same glare of malcontent is thrown at Foreman_, "bosses that are mean to brain damaged co-workers…" _Cameron pauses a __second to catch her breath. _"Man do I have a stick up my ass or what? How does all that annoying behavior warrant so much screen time?"

_Enter Chase_"That's what I don't get. I'm relegated to background noise for that? Plus, aren't we starting to do plots out of order now?"

"Does it really matter by this point? The whole season has been a waste and jumbling it up can only spice things up. As for you Cameron, shut up and go have your meth sex with Chase now. I've got to go catch me a pet rat and give Foreman something to do so we can heal it."

_Chase protests. _"Ugh, House, do I have to? People will spend hours online complaining how I raped her when she was the one that had my back to the wall."

"At least one of us is getting some."

_Chase shrugs._ "What do you mean? You got to have sex with Stacy." _A rather disgusted face comes on his face after he thinks about it._ "Ewww, I guess we'll call it even."

_Chase turns to Cameron._ "Oh yeah, this is also the point where you're a bitch to me all the time from now on."

_Cameron nods_. "What were you expecting,for me to just fall head over heals for you and forget House? Now lets boogie!" _Exit Cameron and Chase for some very kinky off screen time._

_Enter Foreman, ready now for his spotlight. _"Okay, everyone shut up. I'm in charge now. Time for Blackpolean Blackaparte to show all of you people how fucked up you really are."

"Wait, isn't Chase supposed to kill a patient and tell the sad story of his dead father before that happens?"

"It doesn't matter. He won't be relevant anymore except for one scene near the end. Quite frankly, we probably could've done without him this season." _Foreman exude__s __confidence now that he will be getting some great screen time from here on out. _

"No problem, be in charge. I'm going to Baltimore to get it on with Stacy during a snow storm, steal a ball from a kid in the airport and be hassled by security all while somehow managing to use curry as a sex metaphor. Great fun. Whew, this season so far is dragging way too much. Is there anyway we can speed it up?"

_Enter Wilson, who was strangely forgotten about until now. _"I've left my cheating wife and get to stay in your apartment. We play jokes on each other."

"Good, that kills a few episodes. We already covered the sex kills part. Let's see, I dump Stacy, sabotage the career of the guy who ratted me out in medical school while getting a migraine and dropping acid, figure out a teenage girl has balls, solve an attempted murder mystery with some childhood science kit, save a boy's life by driving everyone completely crazy by rehashing Esther's case, **and** tell a lesbian she has by an absolutely incomprehensible and inconceivable possibility the plague while calling her a bitch. There, that should jump us ahead a bit."

_Enter __Chase__ and Cameron._ "So where in the season are we now?"

"Sex took that long?"

"It didn't suck."_ Chase__ g__rin__s._

"We are getting ready to save Foreman's sorry ass. Prepared for the water works Cameron?"

_Cameron pouts._ "He gets brain damage and I don't suddenly want to marry him? I think the powers that be have already screwed up character continuity."

_Enter Wilson, who is still trying to be relevant. _"Is sour the only expression she has?"

_House presses on, ignoring the other two, and tells Foreman's story. _"Foreman stays damaged for one episode and then goes back to normal without any type of explanation or insight to his further personal struggles. We call that in show business a dropped plot line. Okay, now before I get shot, Chase needs to cry over the dead baby."

"Since this is my only scene for this half of the season, let me say a quick prayer." _Chase clears his throat._ "God of mercy, why have you been so cruel to us? You've given us this ridiculous season filled with awful romantic subplots and nothing but Cameron ninety percent of the time. The only thing that's remotely nice about this season is the patient stories but I have the feeling that won't last. Next season will be all about the drama and all involved will be lucky to get anything of medical relevance. Please, for the love of yourself, stop torturing the viewers and us. Amen."

"Shut up alter boy. You get screen time next season."

"Oh, then never mind." _Exit Chase._

_Enter Cuddy, who surprises the others. Apparently she wasn't invisible._ "What about Crandall?"

"That horrible episode? How can anyone believe that I possibly could ever be friends with such a dork? I would have rather watched Steve McQueen run in his wheel for an hour. Now we can get to the grand finale."

_Cuddy waves for attention._ "Wait, what about me trying to get pregnant? I know that it'll soon become the longest subplot this show has ever had, but at the moment I'm still fighting for a story line here."

"Am I the dad?"

"No, but…"

"Okay, so I'm shot twice, but since everything is a hallucination and never really happened, it looks like you can all go away."

"Gladly." _Everyone says in unison._

_Everyone leaves except Cameron, whose trademark pout indicates she isn't done hogging the screen time._ "But…but we still need to have surgical robot sex!"

_House sighs_. "What part of 'never really happened' don't you understand?"

_Exit a whining Cameron and enter Wilson, ready to play Greek chorus for the final bit._

"Season three is all about me." _House proclaims cheerfully._ "Should be great."

_Wilson frowns. _"What are you talking about? Season three is loaded with contrivance, yet another unsympathetic villain that drags down every episode he appears in, a bloated focus on character ships and ridiculous out of character moments for just about everyone. In other words, the writing sucks."

"Hmm, sounds like fun."

_Wilson sighs,_ "Do you think we can apply the same 'it was all just a dream' scenario from this season's finale to the entire next season?"

"This is _House_, not _Dallas_. Onto the next season!"

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**a/n: Okay, I know its a parody, which usually generates a laugh or two and not much else, but Jenniffer and I both would love to know if you dig this or not. Chapter 3 is going to be especially biting (in a fun way). Let us know if you actually want to see it! All reviews most appreciated and adored. Thanks as usual for reading! **


	3. Season 3

**a/n: Here it is, season three! Last one until the end next year. This will be a once a season event now. As usual, most thanks to my lovely co-writer JennifferButterfly. **

**Sorry that it took so long, but after watching the finale we scrapped the original plan and went for something different. I think you will like the result. We pulled back on the harshness, and yes Cameron fans, we went easy on her. For Foreman fans, prepare to be disappointed. This is a little longer than the other two, but we went for more details given that season three left us with so much. **

**Terms used quite a bit that you might want to know:** **BOUO – the ball of unknown origin that House is always tossing around in his office. ****The fourth wall – the viewing audience at large, including all the Internet fandoms (we poke fun at all the fandoms BTW, not just one in particular). **

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_Enter House and Wilson_

_Wilson shakes his head, trying to figure out how they plan to tackle this all over the map season._ "Where in the world do we start?"

"This season is all about change. So in the spirit of change, instead of being pissed off about this season, we're going to do it with a smile."

"A smile? Us?"

"Change is good. I'm calling this the 'Season of Love and Happiness'."

"Love and Happiness? You were miserable for most of it. Actually, all of it."

"It's not about me. This season was all about the ships and romantic entanglements. We need to show the luuuuuurrrrrve." _House gives a subtle sign of affection to Wilson. House/Wilson shippers are heard squeeing._

_Wilson grabs his head._ "Okay, this should be interesting."

"Not really, but we need to do something different otherwise our heads might explode while we relive this mess. We are also going to break 'the fourth wall'."

"You're allowing the viewers in this too? That includes all the shippers. They're insane!"

_House throws the BOUO at Wilson. _"Be nice. Onto season three!"

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_House and Wilson join the rest of the cast, who know they are in for something wild._

"Rules for this season. No matter how contrived the plot or how ridiculous the situation gets, you say something nice or nothing at all. Also, since the medicine took a back seat to all the sexual tension and character drama, we're throwing the medical details out."

_Chase shakes his head in disbelief. _"Happy? No medicine? We're talking about the show _House_, right? Not some cheesy Hallmark special?"

_House throws BOUO at Chase's head. _"Glad to see you're all on board. Okay, so I come back with a smile and a working leg."

"Uh, yeah, it was a medical miracle for at least one episode." _Cameron recounts the events with gritted teeth and a huge amount of skepticism._

_Foreman speaks __unenthusiastically_"Yes, I believed every minute of what was happening."

_Foreman gets pelted with the BOUO next. _"Actually, you're an ass this entire season, so off to the corner you party pooper."

_Exit Foreman, actually happy that he doesn't need to be involved with this crap._

"Next we have a heart warming story involving a boy's delusions with aliens and Chase telling us that the truth is out there."

_Chase blankly talks, knowing he better say something since this was one of his two cases for the season. _"Yes, wasn't Clancy cute. I'm so damn great with kids."

_House goes for the witty retort, only to bite his tongue because he doesn't want to break his own rules. _"Oh what the hell, probably because you're seven yourself, Doogie. Now we get to kill Ezra. Damn, how am I supposed to make that positive?"

"It's positive because the baby experimenting bastard deserved to die!" _Cameron speaks with a big smile so that she can keep to the rules and while getting House's approval. _

"Ah there we go. Glad you can spin it that way. I've got a seventeen year old stalker with a red thong. Good times."

_Cuddy speaks, her first of many shippy moments with House. _"We get to fight over blood stained carpet. Talk about setting the right mood for deep sexual tension."

"I heard that sarcasm!" _House says pointing an accusing finger_. "No House call for you! Anyway, the seventeen year old really had a disease but it was fun while it lasted. Cameron gets to obsess over the carpet too, which creates a nice delusion for all the Hamerons."

_Hamerons around the world are heard happy-sighing._

"Do I get to have sex yet?" _Cameron is tired of the same rehashed stuff with House that goes nowhere. _

"With another human being? No. I do get a cool PSP though. There's nothing bad at all about taking it from an autistic boy. What happy stuff happens next?"

_Wilson tries to play along. _"You piss off Tritter, which makes you happy."

_Everyone groans and hangs their heads low. _

"Let's just try to gloss over all that ugliness. Happiness, remember? Everyone step forward and in a few words tell us what good you've learned from that impossibly long and painful situation. Try to throw in as many puppies and rainbows as possible."

_Forward Cameron. _"Uh, it taught you to be a better friend to Wilson…no…It taught you the value of your staff…no…it taught us to be…no, oh hell, I looked pretty throughout all of it. I did get all the Hamerons in a tizzy by fixing your arm from those cuts. That was fun."

_Hamerons collectively sigh._

_Forward Chase. _"As a doctor, I rock and proved your sorry ass wrong, which certainly makes me happy! I also looked pretty through all of it, even with a huge bruise on my face. Mega sympathy there."

_The Chasers all jump on the boards to gush over how adorable he is._

_Forward Foreman_ "I've got nothing."

_Foreman returns to the corner because he's a crabby pants and there isn't any use for him when love and happiness is involved, __or for anything else in the series_

_Forward Cuddy. _"I taught House a lesson in pill management, which ended up being pointless. We got to look really hot together while fighting over what an evil bastard Tritter was. House insulted me in a shower while holding a sick kid and made me cry, apparently strengthening our love because we seep with chemistry. I love House so much I perjured myself on the stand and then announced it to a jailhouse. Overall, I learned I'm weak, but oh so hot."

_Huddy fans sigh and rush out to begin writing their fics. _

_Forward Wilson. _"I went through freaking hell!!! Did anyone care what I went through??? I had to shut down my practice, my assets were frozen, my best friend left me out in the rain to suffer, and an over-zealous cop viciously harassed me because House wouldn't apologize. I got crapped on!!! I even had to betray the bastard because he punched an employee for preventing a little girl from being sawed in half! Did anyone out there say, 'Aw poor Wilson, we support you?' No, I got the evil eye for being a freaking Judas. Then, after all that, no one understood why I left the bastard to choke on his own vomit on his apartment floor??? Seriously you guys, WTF?!?!"

_House/Wilson shippers sigh and rush out to begin their stories about poor, misunderstood Wilson. _

_House glares at Wilson like he lost his mind, then shakes it off. _"I apologized, and it all went back to normal. That was worth all that wasn't it? Anyway, I learned nothing while making everybody else's lives hell. Hmm, maybe that arc wasn't so bad."

_A collective 'yes it was' comes from the __fo__urth __w__all._

"What do you morons know? Now its time for the very special moment with a rape victim who's so traumatized that she spends the entire episode not making a damn bit of sense and not generating any sympathy from anyone."

_The fourth wall whimpers, House glares at it and it promptly stops. _

_Wilson speaks, still a bit frustrated. _"Maybe that's because that was a horribly written episode? How bad can the first half of a season be? Does it get any better?"

_House looks at Wilson with disgust and points toward to a sour faced Foreman. _"Enough! You get to join Mr. Happy over there in the corner." _Wilson joins Foreman and, because they're both incredibly bored with this dull and dreary season, the neurologist reads Wilson's future with a cootie catcher he made. Apparently Wilson will die alone._

"Now Cuddy and I get to ooze our lust for each other over a stupid parking space."

_Chase speaks, knowing his awesome and well overdue character development starts soon. _"Yeah that was…er…so much fun to watch? After all, Cuddy caving in and forcing a poor woman to move her wheelchair through the snow to make you happy is so uplifting."

_Cameron moves over to Chase seductively, ready to setup their big ship. _"Let's go walk in on that couple having sex so you can insult them all while throwing some ideas into my head."

_Chase shrugs. Exit Chase and Cameron._

"Time for one of the happiest episodes ever, The Valentines Day episode. Foreman, you're actually needed here."

_Foreman paints on a fake smile. _"Yes, this is a great time for me. I coldly dump my pediatric nurse girlfriend that you never liked."

"Whoa, put that smile away brother. Your teeth are blinding me. Even though we are ignoring the medicine, you have to admit it's pretty cool to pull out a 25 ft long tapeworm out of a girl's stomach. It makes all the lovers swoon. Anyway, I need to do this." _House pelts Foreman again with the BOUO._

_Foreman protests over the pain. _"What's that for?"

"That's for putting the stupid idea in Cameron's head to start having sex with Chase again. What hell were you thinking? Now you've opened up a whole can of worms. Back to the corner with Wilson!"

_Cuddy puts a genuine smile on her face. _"We also find out what my specialty is finally!"

"What, it's not being a seductive yet annoyingly bossy little ray of sunshine?"

"Nope…it's-"

"I've got no time for this." _Protests erupt from the fourth wall. _"Shut up!"

_Enter Cameron and Chase. _"Microwave Pizza?" _Cameron asks with a sexy smile. Chase nods. Exit Cameron and Chase. _

_Cameron/Chase shippers around the world cry with happiness over something that should've happened in season one. _

"Now it's time for the deeply emotional episode over my fake brain cancer. Time for the Kleenexes! Cameron, I'm puckering up my lips so we can drive the Hamerons bat shit crazy."

_Cameron and Chase reenter and her confused look says it all. _"But I'm doing Chase! We even showered together before coming in."

_House laughs. _"You think that matters? Not to David Shore it sure as hell doesn't. Chase, you need to hug me and cry so a whole new set of slash can be written."

_The fourth wall chokes back tears while House/Chase slashers drool. Their tiny minds think of all the ways they can take what happened and turn it into something smutty. _

_Chase's face frowns in repulsion. _"Cameron smells better. Plus, you weren't really dying."

"Yes, but everyone cared. Face it, you all love me. This episode satisfies just about every ship on the boards."

_Everyone, especially all shippers, nod, hardly unable to argue that point. _

"The love really begins now. Cuddy tells me to get over her while cleverly revealing something we've all guessed for sometime, we did it. She then gets all weepy over the pregnant photographer, which is supposed to show everyone her struggle with wanting to be a mom. That starts the whole 'House gets Cuddy pregnant' speculation again."

_Enter Cuddy, seductively gazing into House's eyes. _"With Cameron occupied, I have you all to myself."

_House turns to Chase and Cameron. _"I know it's not a relationship, but please, three times in one day? All over the hospital? Is the sex really that good or are you both large horny mutants? Sorry, must think positive. I had a great laugh over catching you two in the closet. Which is much better than the icked out everyone else got."

_Cameron smiles at Chase. _"Look at him. He's hot, and he's glowing."

"You're only doing it to make House jealous." _Chase says unconvincingly. _

_Cameron throws her arms up in frustration and turns to the fourth wall. _"Why do you people still cling to that hope? What do I have to do, draw a map? I'm having hot sex with Chase, I constantly tell everyone I'm not in love with House yet no one believes me. You people are just freaking deranged!!" _Cameron calms down after absorbing strange looks from the others. _"Uh, Chase, let's just do it on the old lady's bed now. It will be great, the pussy will watch."

_Chase raises a brow, _"Yes, and the cat on the dresser will sneak a peak too."

_Exit Chase and Cameron, off to do it in yet another weird setting, but not before Chase gets pelted with the BOUO for the bad joke._

_Everyone else resists the urge to vomit. Foreman shivers in disgust. _"I'm going to be sick."

"You, back to the corner. Wilson, time for you to be relevant again. You need to hold down the fort while Cuddy and I are in Singapore."

_Wilson sighs. _"Why? Chase figures it out anyway. All that happened was that I got a date with a call girl. Okay, that's not so bad."

"Isn't itodd that, after two seasons of being stupid, all of a sudden Chase is a brilliant doctor kicking everyone else's ass in the diagnosis total? They even track that on the boards like it means something. Anyway, we're doing this cool stuff on the airplane. Cuddy, care to join the mile high club?"

_Cuddy gives House the standard snarl. _"I'm sick remember."

"It's your own stupid fault for freaking out over nothing. Hmm, I do get to play doctor, don't I? How about that fake staff I recruit? Could that woman have been any bitchier, that man been any more oblivious to what I'm saying, or that kid be any cuter? What a great metaphor!" _The fourth wall plugs it's ears and hums._

_Enter Chase and Cameron._ _House grabs the BOUO and pelts Cameron with it._

_Cameron grabs her head. _"Ow, what was that for?"

"For breaking Dr. Formerly Stupid's heart. Even I'm not that cruel. Oh wait, I am."

_Chase steps in to defend Cameron, even though she really doesn't deserve it. _"Our breakup leads to some great bickering that will have everyone talk about how cute we are together. Plus it leads to the whole Tuesday thing. Face it, my puppy dog reactions to her cold heart win everyone over and I become a real character with more than two dimensions. It's all good."

"For you maybe. The rest of us will cringe." _Everybody looks at House, wondering if he just broke his own rule. House quickly recovers. _"Cringe with joy, that is. Cuddy and my hot love now have to take a backseat to the heart wrenching Foreman turmoil. Foreman, you can come back. Remember, positive or we forget about you entirely. Maybe we should do that anyway."

_Foreman plasters on another fake smile. _"Okay, I kill a woman due to my stupidity and arrogance, torture a poor young kid by cruelly doing a bone marrow biopsy without anesthesia, avoid my mother who doesn't remember me anyway, and quit because I don't want to be a sociopath like you even though I am. Oh yeah, I'm feeling the love here."

"That's the spirit. You forgot that you were an ass to Chase even though he tried to help you and be a friend. That was yet another ship we got to pacify. A truly deranged one, but we like making people happy."

_Foreman/Chase shippers around the world cry over this new revelation that the two are indeed NOT a couple. _

"You're going to quit, but this time, instead of dragging it out forever because you now crave attention more than Cameron does, you go back to the corner and aren't heard from again. That's the way the whole thing should have been written to begin with. I do love righting a wrong."

_Exit Foreman, hopefully for the last time._

"This has gone on long enough, time to wrap up the season. But first, some loose ends. We all feel joy in meeting Wilson's ditzy ex-wife, and the dog was too cute."

_Wilson thinks fondly of his old pet. _"How did we get seven Tritter episodes and only one with Hector? He needs his own series."

"Yes, which is why it's so touching when I try to kill him." _House is distracted by the confusion of the fourth wall reading on a certain TV site recap that Hector was eating a microscope and not a stethoscope. __House sighs, wondering how any confusion between the two could exist, then shakes it off._ "Wilson, let's spike each other's coffee now for tons of comical laughs."

_Wilson gets all bent out of shape. _"You tried to kill me too!"

"What are friends for? Next I get to match wits with a chess playing genius."

_Chase laughs. _"You mean the ass who wasa bigger jerk than you." _House warms up the BOUO. _"I mean, the kid with issues and a lousy parent? How do I always end up with those types of cases?"

"That's better. Onto the finale. What the hell was I thinking? Oh yeah, it was Wilson's fault. At least Foreman finally leaves."

_Chase scowls. _"You fired me!"

"It was the best thing to ever happen to you."

_Chase smiles. _"No, that would be Cameron. That kiss on my stoop was pretty hot. But hey, you cruelly kicking my ass out the door is as close to a 'good job' as I'll ever get, so I'm willing to take that."

_Cameron chooses to set the record straight once and for all. _"And when I resigned I was saying goodbye to House, not flirting with him. I was finally letting go so that I could grow up and move on to better things. For the last time Hamerons, I want to be with Chase!"

_House drops his head. _"I think I'm going to be sick. I mean, how sweet. So, everyone leaves, making for a nice happy ending. Care to guess who's going to be back for next season besides me?"

_Everyone grabs their heads, not ready to face such a prospect yet. This season was too exhausting. _

_Chase offers his arm to Cameron._ "Let's go enjoy our unemployment together with tons more torrid sex." _Exit Chase and Cameron, all smiles._

"I'm outta here." _Exit Foreman, who smiles knowing that despite his full jerkiness he'll be back for another season._

_Even though the outcome resulted in huge character defining and satisfying moments for all the ducklings, the unhappy fourth wall cries since most of their ships didn't happen. House kicks it for not being happy and it scampers away._

_Cuddy, Wilson and House watch the junior staff leave. _"The ducklings have left the nest. Now what?"

_Cuddy shakes her head. _"No idea, but expect lots more House/Cuddy, House/Wilson smut on the Internet."

_Wilson nods. _"At least I'm getting some somewhere."

_House smiles wickedly. _"I get to screw everybody. Sounds like fun. Now let's see what Season Four has in store for us!"

------------------------

**a/n: Thanks everybody for follow us through this really strange experiment! Jenniffer and I had fun and hope everyone who read this did too. **


	4. Season 4

**a/n: So, you're probably asking, "What gives Fluffy and Jenniffer, why the season four recap now?" It's our assumption that season four is done, and if it's not, the first eleven episodes were so painful, it's done for us!**

**Most of the credit for writing season four's recap goes to JennifferButterfly, since Fluffy2001 actually stopped watching the show at episode 6. Flowers for JennifferButterfly can be sent to the Northern Suburban Hospital of Englewood's psych floor. Yeah, she's lost it. Also, we are wearing our black armbands over the loss of Chase, and have decided it's time to go out with a bang. Or a whimper. You get to decide which. **

**---**

**Chapter Four: Season Four**

"**The season that makes you wonder what **_**are**_** the writers getting paid for?"**

**--- **

House sat in the now empty diagnostics office with his forehead on the glass table top, tapping his cane on the floor. He sighed and tried to formulate a new way to make Cuddy's life a living hell when Wilson came bursting through the door. "Great news, House! The writers are on strike! Do you know what that means?"

House lifted his head, "We have another reason to hate unions?"

"Even better! We only have to do half a crappy season. Because the writers have suddenly decided they're underpaid, and want to cry over spilt milk, they've stopped writing. I think this aptly counts as one of those situations that's both a blessing and a curse."

House leaned back in his chair and studied the table top as he twirled his cane in his fingers. "Still, it's half a season too long." He got out of his chair and walked over to the whiteboard, pulling out a marker. "Well, how about you and I begin the recap, one on one style. We haven't had any legitimate time together since what, season two?"

"What about the others?"

"You mean the old team? The former top notch ensemble now relegated to wallpaper, forced to prove their relevance by looking pretty for one minute an episode before vanishing without a trace? They can make their appearances known when needed. Not that anyone will ever notice, because apparently the rabid fans only want to see us anyway."

Wilson resignedly nodded in agreement, while House went back to the whiteboard. "Now, where should we begin? Ah yes, the case of the lady with a lot on her mind."

Wilson furrowed his brow and sat down in a chair. "I didn't think your first season four patient had anything big on her plate."

"I didn't say on her plate, I said on her mind. As a matter of fact, she had a whole building on it, literally."

Wilson groaned and leaned back in his chair while he rubbed his face. All of a sudden, Cuddy decided to make a visit. "House, hire a team," she said as she leaned into the diagnostics room from the hallway.

House dropped his shoulders and stared at Cuddy with a bored expression. "You know, since that seems to be your mantra for this whole season, how about you get it out of your system now and just say all that you need too."

Cuddy pulled her head back, slightly taken aback, before stepping into the diagnostics office. "House, hire a team. House, you hired too many. House, pick three of them. You're not picking, are you? Didn't I just tell you to pick? House, this is your last chance. Guess what?" She reached behind herself and grabbed Foreman. "I hired him back after he screwed things up at Mercy for being like you."

Foreman gave a quick nod to Wilson before turning his attention to House and saying his season four rhetoric. "You can't do that."

"Jesus, Cuddy, you've gotten a tan and sex change."

Cuddy shoved Foreman back out the door and finished her rant. "Hire two. You have to hire two. Why aren't you hiring anybody? You're only down to four, you need to cut two more. Just hire two. Good, you hired the two boys. Wait, crap, you need sexual tension, I, er, mean a woman on the team. Hire one more. No, wait, crap, I've been had again. Ah well, I guess it doesn't really matter. They all suck anyway." Cuddy stopped and stood still in the doorway.

"Are you done?" House asked.

Cuddy looked at the ceiling and ran through things aloud. "I bugged you to hire a team, hired Foreman back, bugged you some more, yup, I'd say that pretty much covers it."

"Good, now get the hell out of here." Cuddy promptly did so and House turned back to the board. "What's next?"

"Shouldn't we figure out what's happened to Cameron and Chase?" Wilson offered up. "I can either mislead you with a phone call to Arizona or we can get to the point."

House looked at his watch and sighed. "We've already wasted too much time covering too few things. Let's just skip the dramatics. Cameron is in the ER trying to cure car accident victims and drug addicts with hugs and kisses."

Cameron quickly ran into diagnostics wearing scrubs and carrying a puppy. "You did it because you didn't want to destroy her dreams and I'm going to take one of your potentials under my wing, so to speak."

Wilson and House glared at her before the former finally said something. "You stole that puppy from the service dog that comes in to visit the sick, didn't you?"

"Uh, well, it's much more complicated. You see…um," Cameron bit her lower lip before holding out the puppy, "Come on, how can you say no to a face like that?" She dashed out of the room and went back down to her bleeding heart's heaven.

Wilson turned around and got readjusted in his seat. "Glad she's gone. Well that covers all but Chase. What about him?"

House shrugged and went back to writing on the white board. "He's Crocodile Dundee with a scalpel now, big deal."

Chase quickly popped in for only a few seconds, which equaled all the screen time he had this season. "You call that a scalpel?" He pulled a spoon out of the pocket in his scrubs. "That's a scalpel."

There was silence in the room. House and Wilson stared, shared a look with each other, and then looked back at Chase. "Uh, Chase," Wilson said, "that's a spoon…"

Chase lifted his eyebrows, pulled his head back, and smiled. "Alright, alright, you win. I see you've played scalpel-spoony before." With that said, he ran out never to be seen again, except in Cameron's pants.

Wilson closed his eyes and ran a mental check list. "Let's see. Cuddy, Foreman, Cameron, Chase…it's time we run through some patients again."

"The astronaut had Von Hipple-Lindua disease, a dude in a wheel-chair gets killed by one of my incompetent candidates, some lady sees dead people, I have no idea what the amnesiac had; I can only suspect that the writers made something up for the sake of making something up, a chick had a heat stroke and a man ate too many nuts in the not-queer sense, I can't remember what the kid with the god ugly face had because I was too busy messing with the film crew, the magician had lupus, the druggie had measles,a lady had a boob behind her knee that was cancerous, the psychiatrist that I not-so-subtlety had feelings for had a broken toe, and the not really Hasidic Jew had a loose kidney."

House paused to mentally review the cases while Wilson stared at him, slightly shocked that he remembered that much worthless crap. "Man, these cases are so far out there _I'm_ not quite sure I believe them."

Wilson shook out of his horrible medical plot induced daze, "That's it?"

"Yup, patients are taking a back seat again this season. After all, what's the fun of medicine in a medical drama? That's just too logical," House assumed sarcastically.

Wilson nodded in agreement. "Not to mention the fact that we had a Christmas show in January. Listen, I don't care if the writers are on strike, the network should've aired at least the holiday episode at the right time and saved the other two episodes for further down the road."

"Hey!" House snapped, "If you get to have eight days of fun with your fancy candle holder, we can let Christmas spill over into the next month. Though, I have to admit, you did look hot in that reindeer hat." House stopped and took a breath, "Now, what should we go over next?"

Wilson, choosing to ignore House's crude jab at his faith, sighed and continued going down the list of things they had to cover. "Do you want to review your candidates?"

House rolled his eyes in disgust. "Ugh, the thought of going through all that again makes me want to rip my eyes out and shove them in my bleeding ears. What a waste of air time. I personally would have picked Bosley, Big Love and Cutthroat Bitch, but I guess that's why the writers get paid the big bucks."

"The writer's don't get paid the big bucks, remember? That's why they're striking."

"At this rate, I'd make a better writer. Hell, Joe Blow on the street would make a better writer, although that would probably result in me sleeping with Cameron one week, Cuddy the next, then a three way after that, over and over again." House took a moment to ponder which would be the lesser of the two evils, season four or really bad fanfic. The decision was too close to call, so he concluded being on American Gladiators would be the coolest scenario.

Wilson, pondering the missed opportunities over what a great team that would have made and that maybe no writers isn't a bad thing, shook out of his train of thought. "Who did you hire again?"

House had to think for a moment, for he couldn't remember either. "Ah yes, I chose the plastic surgeon, the dude who has a fascination with the paddles, and the chick who is a clear replacement to Cameron while being mysterious. Oh yeah, and just like Cameron, the writers can't get enough of her. I mean we have to deal with drama from that Thirteen bitch every ten minutes, don't we?"

Thirteen walked up to the glass and started tapping on it. "Excuse me? Is it time for me to pine over the fact that I killed somebody and his dog?"

Wilson stood up and walked to the blinds, shutting them rather harshly. "Good point. By this point I don't think the viewers really care about you showing any logic in your judgment."

"Um, seriously, you guys. When do I get my screen time?" Thirteen said as she walked into House's office and looked through the glass separating the two offices. "I can sulk about the handi-able man and his dog some more. Or how about I put on my mysterious face! I'm really good at that!" Thirteen, who has no real name because she's a loser like that, puts on said mysterious face. "I also have this awesome family secret to divulge! My mum had Huntington's! And you know what? I don't feel like telling a soul because I might die! DIE!!! Oh! To top it off, I'm bi!!!"

House walked over to the blinds separating that half of the office and shut them much in the same way that Wilson did. "Anything else interesting we should go over?"

"Aw, come on you guys," Thirteen could be heard from the other room. "I promise to be dark and mysterious. Here, how about I go into my 'I'm going to pretend I don't care all the while desperately trying to see if you care that I'm not caring' mode." Thirteen paused for a minute. "Okay, I haven't been caring, what do you guys think? House?"

Suddenly a flicker of lights came through the blinds that were separating Diagnostics from the hospital hallway and Thirteen could be heard sighing. "Jesus Christ, not again, Kutner. I thought we took those away from you!" She promptly left the office to go tend to her idiot coworker. Taub could be heard in the distance yelling something about giving Kutner boobs while he's unconscious.

Wilson walked back over to the table and racked his brain desperately for something interesting. "Oh, we got to air an episode after the Super Bowl. That was pretty special."

"Did Janet Jackson show us her voluptuous chocolate love mountain again?"

"If by that you mean her breast, then no."

"Then nothing special happened." House tossed his marker onto the tray of the whiteboard and sighed. "Well, I guess that means we're done until the writers decide to write again. And once that happens we'll be good to go until we're canceled. Which, at this rate better happen really soon, otherwise I'll be so bored with the repetitive story lines and lack of proper character development you'll have to kill me."

House then looked at the fourth wall and warned, "By the way, that is –not- a free invitation for new angst/hurt-comfort fan fiction. Do you hear me, fanbrats?" After that was established,House turned to Wilson and frowned. "Is there anything else you want to add?"

"Yeah, why did it take so long for the writer's to get me out of the hotel? And why is it I couldn't get out unless I went with Cutthroat Bitch?" Wilson started ranting.

"Its okay, Wilson, she's just your way of getting closer to me, remember? Besides, we should be celebrating that the writers have now suggested slash between us without the entire annoying subtle context."

"Hey, that means…"

House walked over to Wilson and placed a hand on his shoulder. "We've been outted. Let's go rent your hotel room again. I can think of a million safe things we can do there, and a million more dirty and kinky things to do instead."

Wilson looked House in the eyes and smiled. "Are you saying we should?"

House nodded. "Yup, I figured this show could use a little spice. Maybe bring it back from the verge of all out crappiness."

Wilson sighed. "Yeah, but you can't bring back the dead, House. And this show is just that."

"No, but I can make the dead walk and talk for several seasons past its prime. It's quite easy actually, I just asked the people over at _ER_ how they managed it and they were more than willing to help."

Wilson nodded in agreement and the two left the office to go…er, consult each other on various cases.

----

**And with that said, thus ends our recapping…**_**permanently**_**. Doing this for the past three seasons has really fried our brains. It's not easy sticking in all the stupidity in such a limited time frame and lately we've been given –a lot- of stupidity to work with. Still, we didn't want to disappoint those of you waiting for the season four recap, so we wrote it with the intentions of it being our last. Sorry, you'll have to entertain yourselves when season five rolls around, but we are very grateful to those of you that have followed our story this far. **

**Regretfully yet respectfully yours,**

**JennifferButterfly and Fluffy2001**

**PS- Bonus points to whoever caught the shameless Simpsons reference that shamelessly referenced Crocodile Dundee. **


End file.
